You can't talk yourself out of a "scary" moment. Do this instead...

March 6, 2020


I had a conversation today with a client that was having a scary moment. She said “I’m having trouble trusting” and wanted to feel better. I’ve been here so many times. With her permission, I wanted to share some of the nuggets from this conversation.

In my whole life I have never successfully calmed down from TRYING to calm down. I also don’t pep talk people into a “you just need to trust the universe” conversation. What I did tell her is this: “Ok you’re scared. You can’t not be scared. You can’t convince yourself to feel differently than you feel. So let’s now look at what’s going on with that fear. It may be pointing to something you need to see or learn here.”

As we talked, we discusses several reasons why things may not be “working out” the way you want, which is where the fear was coming from. One possibility is to gain an awareness of a way to keep yourself feeling safe. That came up. But when we started talking about it, what she realized was amazing, and the same thing has happened to me on multiple occasions. She realized that what she was trying to get, she didn’t really want. She wanted something different. Her heart wasn’t in it anymore. The fear was coming because she kept reaching for something that wasn’t a good fit, and it wasn’t working out. The fear was there to help her to let this go, and move forward with what she did want, where her heart was, and what her next move in life is leading.

Had she kept trying to just breathe and trust, this blind spot would have remained blind. In the end I said “do you see how much more powerful it is to lean in and get curious with these feelings, instead of just trying to not feel them?” We actually figured something out and got a big message.

I am always in awe when I sit with people through these moments. And I’ve been through it so many times. That’s how I know. I’ll get scared and tell myself to “not be” and that never works. Then I’ll actually have to look at why I’m scared. Is it a belief I need to look at? A different direction I’m being called to take here? Or, is there a message—something else? When I look I can then decipher what the fear is made of and see the fact from the fiction. THEN I don’t need to “try” to calm down. When I get the message, I do that naturally.

I say this all the time: all pain is a messenger. It’s letting us know something is “off.” That’s why it’s painful. Trying to numb, kill, or distract from the pain, or even try to “positive think” our way out of it is actually trying to silence the very things that’s here to help and bring real relief, learning, and wisdom.

Just a reminder of that. I hope this serves you today.

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The Netri Institute