When we’re children, we can’t “see” the adults around us. We feel loved by what they do for us, and wounded by what they don’t do, don’t say, etc. But, again - this is normal. FOR A CHILD.
Because so much of this is going unseen, as we grow up, we fall in love with people, again—based on how they make US feel: Safe, cared for, wanted, etc. But often, we don’t see really who THEY are. I’ve looked back into nearly all of my relationships, not just romantic partners, but friends as well, and I can see this so clearly now. They made me feel (fill in the blank) for a while, but because I couldn’t see myself clearly, it never lasted. No one could ever make me feel wanted when I felt fundamentally unwanted for more than a short period of time.
Then the demands of relationships go back and forth with each person wanting to “feel that way again,” that warm, safe feeling that we so long for. But we’re still making it all about us. Putting an expectation on another person to make us happy.
The key to intimacy, I’ve realized, is my OWN self-examination, inquiry, and focus. Interestingly enough, the more I know myself, the more I SEE myself, which is to LOVE myself, the more I can really see another person. I’ve watched as the reasons I love people have changed so much from what they do for me to who THEY are. And I find people that love me, not for what I do for them, but for who I am. The power, the vulnerabilities, the light and the dark, and everything in between.
And then ironically, I do feel safe and loved, much more than when that was the point. It becomes a natural by product.
Most movies are displaying childlike love, not grown up healthy love. Remember that. Don’t fall in love with how they make you feel. That won’t last. When you fall in love with who they are, THAT is what lasts.
Hope this serves you today!