I couldn't see a way out other than to run away from life, sometimes with my head under the covers, sometimes with thoughts of throwing myself off a bridge. I wanted to run because the reality I was living in was so painful. I felt fundamentally unseen, unwanted, and unlovable. I was stuck in that nightmare every day for years, full of anxiety, depression, and overcompensating, pining for approval, and not believing that anyone could ever love me.
On some level I knew there was hope, I mean, I could see that not everyone was like that--and I tried all the magic pill methods and modalities. I tapped. I affirmed. I visioned. I muscle tested. I did so many things and it seemed like they all gave a temporary result that mostly depended on the modality itself. Modalities became an addiction of sorts. Affirmations were great, as long as I did them all the time. However, when "life" would happen--I would get triggered, hungry, irritated, have PMS or have something painful happen, the minute I dropped the modality I was back in the same nightmare.
Learning how my consciousness worked is the only thing that released me from that prison. I didn't really have anyone teaching me in a direct way, I suppose my guidance led me to it out of a desperate prayer PLUS willingness to let everything go--and I do mean EVERYTHING. I had no more attachment to my situation, relationships, money, status, anything--because I finally saw the truth: without some kind of inner peace, none of it meant anything, and I couldn't enjoy it anyway.
I know it can seem overwhelming--the realization that you'll have to learn how to cultivate awareness, let go of attachments, and put time and attention on debunking beliefs, healing trauma, and learn how to feel & process emotions in real time. You'll have to take off masks, ask questions, take risks, and open yourself up.
This can take years. Years of practice. But, let's be honest about something here...
When we choose careers and education, we KNOW that it will take years. We go into a job and can spend 10 years learning the company and moving up. When you decide to go into any kind of skilled field, you KNOW that you'll have to spend years learning and perfecting a craft. We'll spend 4-15 years in school, 5 years establishing a business or creating a product, writing a book--basically--it's NORMAL to spend years working on something...
But why do we think spending a few months on ourselves is sufficient? Why is that the LAST thing we want to focus on? Why do we expect that we can reach some kind of mastery with ourselves in some 6 week course?
YOU is the most important, the most vital thing you could ever learn about--because if you don't--the rest of the stuff you spend years on won't make you feel like you think it's going to make you feel. It won't heal you. ONLY your attention and learning how to use the AMAZING amount of resources available to you will free you.
THEN you can actually enjoy your life. Feel like you belong in the world. Be a genius at your craft. Have fulfilling relationships, and know exactly how you fit into the world.
YOU are the most important focus of your life. Remember that.