Should our environment matter? Shouldn't we be able to know the truth even with a naysayer/abuser around?
A while ago I had a client that came to me because she was in a somewhat abusive relationship. My first thought was, "Well, are you willing to leave?" She kinda went back and forth about this, but ultimately she was feeling that she did not want to leave, she just wanted to work on herself, hoping that she would get to a point in which things just wouldn't bother her.
I had to let her go, which broke my heart, but I honestly felt that I couldn't, in any integrity, agree to help someone with something that I personally considered impossible.
Over the years, I've been so identified with "independence" that I hated the thought of anyone getting to me. Had I been approached with this years ago I may have attempted to take it on, but it would have been from my own wounded place.
It took me years to get vulnerable enough and honest enough with myself that I realized the truth...
👉That I am just as susceptible to the effects of abuse as anyone. And, that realizing this was a great strength, not a weakness.
I'm not strong enough to have someone using gaslighting, guilt, shame, or fear and keep any kind of sense of self--let alone confidence. I had to realize that I am wired to be social, and all the deep vulnerabilities, doubts, fears, and insecurities that I had in me, when fanned by another, would overtake me.
This realization was humbling, but also helped me to take great care of my social environment. Over the years I am extremely mindful of my relationships because I have reverence for HOW MUCH they affect my mental and emotional well being.
I need validation, encouragement, and love, especially in those moments where I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new things. I need people to tell me the truth, people I deeply trust with that, to call me out when I need it but ONLY for my highest good. I need someone to put their arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok when I get scared or have a bad day. I need people I can call that will give me a kind ear, a powerful perspective, or just listen while I work something out.
I am not an island.
I realized that my success in life in every way comes from a realization of unity, of INTERDEPENDENCE, and of surrounding myself with people I trust. And even 2-3 or them feels like I've hit the freakin' lottery.
You put me around someone who makes me question everything and doubt myself, and I will. Knowing this and respecting that I'm wired this way means that I can set myself up with people who will support me in the low times, and celebrate me in the high times.
👉Take from this what you will, but I hope what you'll remember is this: Being affected by abuse doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. Care for your physical, emotional, mental, and social environments. They matter. OMG do they matter.
I hope this serves you today. Sending you love.💖