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Why changing thoughts, setting goals, or just trying to be nice doesn't really work

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Copyright 2018
The Netri Institute 

What "People Pleasing" Actually IS

December 23, 2019

 

"People pleasing" is a deep, unconscious trauma response.

Trying to keep everyone happy, keep yourself out of the line of fire, keep the peace, make sure everyone else is comfortable…

As well as to have anxiety and fear about saying no, setting boundaries, expressing anger, or having needs of your own, in many cases comes from a childhood with a lot of stress, worry, or anxiety in the home environment.

👉A child is either told not to be angry, cry, etc or they figure it out when they do those things and receive no nurturing for them, but neglect, shame, or guilt for having those emotions. Then they learn from their parents, that their job is to please the parents, lower the stress in the house, not be a bother to anyone, take care of everyone else, or try to “lift the mood” in any way possible.

That kind of anxiety as a child—that kind of consistent anxiety, can wreak havoc on one’s parasympathetic nervous system (which helps us to feel calm and relaxed) which keeps us jacked up and consistently reading our environment and trying to eliminate threats, which in this case could be the fear of feeling guilty, shamed, or rejected.

👉People pleasing is an attempt to avoid all of those.

Of course this backfires, right? What you’re TRYING to accomplish with people pleasing isn’t working—you can’t keep the fires out, control anyone, or keep the peace, so you now live in a state of anxiousness and fear. This can even ATTRACT situations and people who will continue to keep you in this anxious state, because now it’s something that you’re so used to. Feeling calm can actually be highly uncomfortable for people pleasers, because being calm may cause them to worry what will happen if they “let go.”

👉Just a bit of awareness on this issue for those of you out there—this is a healing opportunity, not a measure of how good of a person you are. This is a trauma response that you can heal. You can. You just need a willingness, and perhaps awareness on what this truly is. It’s not who you are. It’s who you’re trying to be. And now, it’s hurting you. You can feel that, right?

You deserve peace, dear one. You deserve attention, healing, and love. You matter.

Just wanted to remind you of that.🦋❤️

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