Oh that phrase, so widely used, "You should be ashamed of yourself." Or "He/she has no SHAME!"
Shame is probably the most painful emotion someone could EVER feel. We hate feeling it and will go through great lengths to avoid it, which is what I believe to be the biggest reason we may avoid really looking at ourselves. We fear the shame we may feel when we do.
Even though when we do finally look at ourselves, we ultimately feel relief, we'll avoid the shame so much that it can unknowingly keep us from the freedom we really crave. But, dealing with shame is no small thing.
What happens when we get shamed over and over as children is that we internalize it, and it becomes our own inner voice. Whatever we got shamed for we now shame ourselves for, leaving this our little inner child consistently unhealed and unseen, which keeps the cycle going.
If you got shamed for having feelings, then you now shame yourself or others for having feelings.
If you got shamed for talking, shining, wanting attention or needing love, now you shame yourself (or others too) for the same things.
We may think stuff like: *I shouldn't need that! I'm being selfish!* When that may be exactly what you were told as a child.
You internalized these things for a good reason when you were a child, you needed to survive by deeply absorbing what your caregivers disapproved of so you could regulate yourself with them. You were trying to avoid more pain, shame, or feeling not good enough or a disappointment in some way when you did that.
Now you're all grown up and without even knowing it, this self-talk has become an way of life. Consider this a reminder that shaming ourselves and others makes us sicker. It doesn't heal.
What heals is compassion. Attention. Awareness. Those heal. With enough of those, you can't continue "autopilot shame," and you can begin breaking this painful cycle that really, really needs to end.
Let it end with YOU. 💖